Had an absolutely heart breaking dream last night. Long story-short, i was in limbo, waiting for death to take me and all i could think, was that my fiance is going to wake up and find me lying dead next to Him. And i just wanted, more than anything else, to apologize because i didn’t want Him to have to go through that. i was so scared for Him and how He would react. i felt like the worst person to do that to Him.
i told Him before, that i want to die first, so i don’t have to see Him die and live without Him. but now, just the thought of Him having to deal with my death, is so much worse than the pain i would go through if He were to die and leave me.
Death never used to scare me. i thought “if i die, then i’ll die and that’ll be that.” i didn’t care that anyone might miss me, or that my life would be cut short, it was out of my control and i was fine with that. Now, death scares me more than anything else!
i’m so happy right now, and i have such wonderful dreams of the life i’m going to live out with my fiance. There is literally nothing that makes me happier than thinking about how we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. and the single thing that scares me more than anything else, is the possibility that one day, one of us will just die. and all of those plans and possibilities will no longer exist. everything that i love and am happy for now or years from now, will be gone. whoever is left will have to wake up without the other and be left with the empty plans we’d made together. and i am so scared to be that person, i am terrified because i know that i won’t want to keep going as that person. that i will want to do nothing more than just sleep the days away until i wake up and He’s back with me. i can’t think of anything worse than being the one that gets left behind. except, to imagine that He has to be that person.